Letter to the Editor: Broken heart

To the Editor:

March 16, 2020, I visited Mom at a local nursing home. A couple days later, I stopped again and was not allowed in. The next time I was allowed in was 137 days later. The only way I got in was because Mom was on her deathbed. Approximately 27 hours later she passed. She was non-responsive for 98% of that time.

How would you feel if you were not allowed to enter your Mom’s room for 137 days and when you were finally allowed in, it was too late. During that 137 days, your Mom was not allowed to have anyone come in and visit her. Would you like to be forced to live like that?

During this lockdown family members aren’t allowed in to see how their family member is being cared for. That isn’t right. Mom spent the first two months extremely sick and no family member was allowed in to be with her. Thankfully, there were a “few” workers that truly had a compassionate heart and helped her get through. Would you like to be extremely sick and not be allowed to have a family member by your side?

As time went on and isolation began to take its toll, some staff would mention that the lockdown was hard on them as well. Mom wanted to respond by saying, “You come and work a shift and then leave to run errands, get gas, get groceries, and then go home to a family. Residents are stuck in a room alone, not able to leave the facility or have someone come in.” She would have exchanged places with anyone of those workers.

Mom had a selfless love, a true Christlike love. She put others before herself. Many times, my daughter and I asked her to come here. We would do whatever we needed to get the place redone so we could actually do this. She would tell us that she would not do that to us. She’s my Mom and I wanted her to be cared for and respected as a person. She would say that is the responsibility of these places. If they are not doing that, they are not doing their job and are accountable.

Mom and I tried many times and in many ways to get those in control to see and realize that people are deteriorating from isolation. So, why continue to refuse to exercise what Phase 1 allows, such as outdoor and open window visits as well as chat boxes. We were always met with a cold and firm stance that nothing was going to change.

That meant the suffering these people were enduring meant nothing and would continue.

She would talk about how we are living more and more in an artificial form of freedom and not a true freedom. We are allowed to exercise freedom as long as it stays confined to something as small as a room in a nursing home. Yet, our freedom to have a visitor or family member come visit is taken away. She would say that she was not a resident, but a prisoner. Senior citizens have had their freedom taken away. It won’t end with the elderly.

The residents were not even allowed to eat together. So, a few times I went up with a folding chair and sat outside her window and ate a sandwich while she sat inside and ate her dinner. It tore us apart to do it this way but it was the best we could do. So, we both made the best of it.

Sometimes she would call me a couple times a day and apologize for being a bother. You could hear it in her voice how broken she was. I would tell her that she could call as many times as she wanted, day or night. We would talk about how tough this was on her. We would talk about how she was glad that she was born when she was because things were only going to get worse. We would reminisce about the good times.

As this lockdown continued, she said she would die from a broken heart and loneliness. She mentioned that she strongly believed those that are dying are dying from a broken heart and loneliness. I told her that it was in the news. Death from a broken heart and loneliness has dramatically skyrocketed.

I researched broken heart and loneliness, even though I strongly believed it was possible for people to die because of it. That way I could write this letter with facts and not just my personal belief. It is true. People can and do die from a broken heart and loneliness.

A broken heart is intense emotional stress or pain. People can actually die from the pain they feel from the loss of love. Extreme physical and emotional distress causes the heart muscle to weaken. These stressors cause the body to release stress hormones that reduce the heart’s ability to pump normally. Social isolation is a risk factor to early mortality. Loneliness makes a person feel empty. I truly believe that is what my Mom died from.

In Genesis 2:18, God says that it is not good for man to be alone. God is our Creator. If He says it is not good, then how on earth can we implement isolation and expect a good outcome? We were created to have friendships and relationships. We were not created to live disconnected from friends and family. I could see how this isolation and being alone was tearing Mom apart. What she was being put through brought on great suffering. I truly believe God is not happy with forcing these people to live alone isolated from family and friends.

In John 15, Jesus calls us His friends, not His servants. He says we are to love one another. Love does not do this to people. In the Old Testament, Jonathan takes a stance against his father on David’s behalf. This is what friendship and love is all about. It is being there for each other. People need their friends. They need others to take a stance on their behalf. We cannot walk this path alone. We need each other to lean on and to speak up for one another.

When Mom was on her deathbed, only two family members were allowed in at a time. Those two would be the only two for the next 24 hours. Approximately nine hours into this, a brother shows up at the window. I opened the window so he could have a direct conversation with Mom. A janitor came by and ordered us to shut the window.

Thankfully, God brought the other janitor and he offered to go to the office with my brother to get him in. They failed, but he had a compassionate heart and tried his best to get him in.

Later that morning, the Administrator and Director of Nursing came into Mom’s room and told us that we were the only family that did not like this 24-hour rule and because we had a large family, they would allow us to switch according to how it worked out for us. On the surface this looks as though this was an outreach of compassion. But in reality, it isn’t. There should never be that kind of a rule to begin with. She’s on her deathbed. Why are there rules forcing family to stay out? Why are there rules where some are allowed in for an extended period of time and not others and the person is on their deathbed?

During this time, I saw what it was doing to Mom. I would have conversations with God above in regards to this. “God, You know how long this is going to be. If there is no end in sight for a long time, she’s not going to make it. I know coming home to be with You where there is no more pain, suffering, isolation, being alone, etc. is better than this. We can’t even be with her. If You take her home to be with You, please do it in her sleep and very peacefully. She has already suffered enough.”

Her last few days she couldn’t get enough sleep. That’s all she wanted to do. I was there when she took her last breath and there was no struggle. It was so peaceful. “Thank You, Lord!!.” I heard later that there were others praying for her as well. “Thank you, prayer warriors!”

Also, we need to make note of the date in which she died. She died August 4. My dad died the 23rd day of August. Those two dates are “19” days apart. Mom said she wasn’t going to die from the COVID-19 illness but the isolation and being alone that has been implemented because of it. She was going to die from a broken heart.

I miss her dearly and there is a huge empty hole in my life, but she is in a better place. Absent from the body and present with the Lord. People need others and the Lord knows that.

Mom’s favorite bird was the cardinal. For 138 days, Mom was forced to wave to family and friends through a window while she endured isolation and loneliness. That is no longer the case. So, when God sends a cardinal, He is letting you know that she is no longer isolated and confined. So, look up, wave “Hi”, and she’ll wave back.

Becky Huck
Waukon