The People's Busines

DES MOINES – Iowa’s Legislative session has reached its midpoint. Tempers are rising. Anxiety has set in. Nerves are raw. Partisan rancor is spreading like the smell of burned microwave popcorn. It isn’t pretty. Not pretty at all.

So we’ve made an emergency call to our resident analyst of all things dysfunctional, Dr. Compassion, to see if he can set troubled minds at ease. He holds a bachelor’s degree in psychology with a minor in political science, and Ted’s Appliance Ranch was willing to give him a few hours off.

Let’s open the mail bag.

Dr. Dr. Compassion,

It all seemed so right back in January - 25 of them, 25 of us. We shared everything, long walks, ice cream sundaes, the Senate presidency, parking spaces, even the TV remote. We were going to work so great together. We were going to cooperate. We were going to heal the sick, create good jobs, teach the children. Nothing could stop us, I tell you, nothing.

Then something happened. We wanted a commitment. They weren’t so sure. They wanted to do everything their way. We informed them they’re not the boss of us. They held news conferences. We held news conferences. We released a budget plan. They released a budget plan. They killed our education bills. We threw their education bills out a third-floor window. They poured the last cup of coffee without refilling the pot. We took the last ice cube without refilling the tray. And apparently we have to coexist for seven more weeks, maybe longer. Where did we go wrong? What do we do next?

Sincerely,

Sullen in Splitsville

Dear Sullen,

You’re simply struggling through what a gifted psychoanalyst easily recognizes as the four stages of gridlock.

First, there is denial. You say things like, “Sure, we disagreed about everything under the sun in the past, but this is a new Senate, a new day.’’ You actually believe it’s a “unique opportunity’’.

You tell yourself that there’s a “shared agenda’’. You believed that carefully splitting up the trappings of power suddenly would prompt the other side to respect your viewpoints. Not a chance.

You are in stage two - anger. They don’t respect your viewpoints. In fact, they fed your viewpoints into a standard-size office shredder. They’re really not interested in your ideas and the last thing they want to do is help you make them law.

Soon, however, you will enter the acceptance phase. That’s when you realize you have to deal with them to get out of the Statehouse. You’ll lock yourselves in a back room, grab some Haagen Dazs and hankies, hammer out some barely palatable deal and go your separate ways muttering something about bipartisanship spirit.

Phase four is the campaign, when you’ll deploy everything this side of an atomic bomb to seize the handful of seats you need to make sure this doesn’t happen again.

You see, it’s all very healthy and natural. Nothing to worry about.

Dr. Dr. Compassion,

Everybody’s talking about making Iowa more attractive to young people, but I don’t see the point. Who really wants these hookah-smoking, hubcap-spinning, beer-keg-buying, poker-playing, text-messaging, body-piercing brats to stick around? I say legally ban their shenanigans, fine their low-riding pants off and bid them good day.

Sincerely,

Crotchety at the Capitol

Dr. Dr. Compassion,

It’s perfectly natural for people to be scared of new shiny things, like airplanes, automobiles and fire. It’s also natural to want to smash those new things with a crude tool fashioned from an elk bone.

But that might not be the smart play in a state that’s having about as much luck keeping college students interested as Steve Alford. Just something to think about.

That’s all for this week. And as Dr. Compassion always says, all the best deals are at Ted’s Appliance Ranch.