WANDA'S WORLD

The other day I stopped, took a deep breath, and looked around, suddenly realizing that I am profoundly into another new phase of my life. To put it simply, it's the "Child Home from College for the Summer" phase.
I'll be OK, I told myself. After all, I survived childbirth, the terrible twos, and the sweet sixteen (also known as "driver's license") phases with only minor scrapes and much thanks to the Tylenol company. I can handle this, too.
What my bank account can handle is another story.
I had just gotten used to my newest life phase, "Can Hubby and I Stand Each Other Now that Junior's Off to College." It was working out quite well, in fact. Our schedule was less rigid, we actually had conversations that didn't revolve around high school sports, I had mastered buying groceries for two, and my cats were quite pleased at the absence of 'N Sync music blaring at all hours.
But that phase of my life was just lulling me into a false sense of security before the new phase set in. Suddenly, my child was home from college for the summer.
My grocery bill has doubled and I can no longer get everything into one cart. In fact, the grocery store calls over the intercom for extra baggers up front the moment they see my car pull into the lot.
With my trunk and back seat full of food, I drive into my garage, unload for an hour, only to later run into my son, his nose stuck into the cupboards, whining, "What's there to eat?"
But the grocery bill is dwarfed by my burgeoning water bill, which now exceeds the Gross National Product of Argentina! Sometimes Junior forgets this isn't the dorm where he can stand for hours under a hot shower without causing a dip in the balance of the city's water tower (or my bank account).
He showers before work, after work, before a date, after mowing the lawn, before he goes to lift weights, which of course leads to another shower after he lifts weights, and don't forget a good hot shower after a strenuous Nintendo game with Dad.
Couple this with the fact that I now run the dishwasher twice a day and the washing machine every other day. I believe Junior is going for the Guinness Book of World Records for the number of glasses he can drink from and stuff into the dishwasher in a six-hour period. This, of course, doesn't include the half dozen or so glasses I find tucked into odd places around the house.
And obviously, he is taking advantage of something he didn't have at college - Mom's Laundromat. That explains the 25 t-shirts I washed and folded yesterday, probably one for every shower he took.
I must admit that I, myself, am adding a little to that whopping water bill. With all the stress of this new phase of my life - well, it just requires a hot, relaxing bubble bath several times a day, accompanied by a cold Pepsi and a Star Magazine.
And that whisp of smoke you see trailing from my purse - that's my smoking credit card. It's amazing how much a child can suddenly need during a three-month layover at home between college semesters - new running shoes, jeans, shirts, video games. Oh yes, Junior has perfected his sweet-talking technique while I'm in a weakened state of coping with this new phase.
But one thing about this new phase really troubles me. I used to be the only one who knew it all. Now, suddenly, after one year of college, Junior knows it all, too! It's a tight squeeze when two people have so much knowledge in one small house.
But, just like the terrible twos, this phase will also pass and I will survive to face another.
Has anyone seen my Tylenol and the latest Star Magazine?